Combating Mom guilt as a busy Mom of 5 with a homestead.
Growing up I never thought I wanted to be a mom. I was always so focused on my education and then my career and rising through the ranks. When we decided to have our first kid, being a stay-at-home mom still wasn’t even on my radar.
It wasn’t until Covid struck and I had 3 under 3 at home that I suddenly realized this is where I want to be all the time.
Cue the mom guilt.
Real World Means Real Guilt
After a long maternity leave plus Covid shutdowns returning to the real world to do my PhD was challenging to say the least. Putting my kids in daycare with Covid running rampant, babies quitting nursing when I couldn’t do it on demand 24/7, having to stay late at the lab to run an experiment. And that’s WITH a very flexible PhD schedule.
Mom guilt hit extra hard when I returned to Active Duty life. Waking those sleeping babies up at 0530 so I can drop them off before PT will never not crush my heart. Having to stay at work until a certain time even when my work for the day is done puts my mom guilt on overdrive.
I wish I could tell you I had a cure- I don’t. I felt so guilty waking my youngest up this morning even after she kept me up all night. What I wouldn’t give to let them sleep in and stay home with them all day.
But on top of the working guilt what about all the other guilt? When I’m tired/ stressed/ overwhelmed and I snap at them for being too loud. When I rush them from task to task so we can get through the dinnertime craziness. When I yell at them because I’m so frustrated.
Ever lie in bed after and just think about all the ways you let them down? *Raises Hand* YUP me too. I’ve come to realize it’s literally just part of being a mom. But that doesn’t mean we have to let it run our lives.
Combating Mom Guilt
Here is how I have learned to keep guilt from running the show.
The first step is understanding where the guilt comes from. For me, it’s Instagram. 90% of the accounts I follow are stay at home moms with their perfect little homesteads and their perfect homeschooling and baking all their food from scratch.
It is SO easy to get sucked in and feel like THAT would be the perfect life. But what’s that saying about the grass always being greener? Is that the perfect life? Would I want a break from my kids? Would I feel like I wasn’t being challenged intellectually?
Plus, Instagram does not equal reality. Instagram is the pretty picture of someone’s reality. The highlight reel. Sure, people try to be real, but I bet they aren’t on there showing videos of them yelling at their kids. They would be canceled. So, does that mean they never get frustrated and snap?
Do they never eat frozen pizza because they were just too tired to cook? Do they get sick? These are things you don’t see because who would want to? Then you have the other extreme of people “normalizing messy houses and lazy parenting” and it’s disgusting. That isn’t “normal” either.
Instagram is NOT Reality
Normal is a balance. Reality is a balance. And I must remember that when I get stuck on Instagram comparing my life to stranger’s. I don’t know these people and I only know what they show.
Combined that with my internal pressure as a Type A personality to be perfect at everything I do, and I am the first to punish myself for any perceived mistake when it comes to parenting or even just being a wife/ homemaker in general.
I have to constantly reframe what being a good mom means. I have to constantly remind myself that it isn’t about quantity, it’s about quality. I try to remember bits about my childhood and the really good core memories that I still have I try to do with my kids.
Step One: Journaling
One key point in this has been journaling. I am not a journaler. As much as I like to write I don’t enjoy that internal reflection or daily diary. But I did notice myself stuck in a thinking loop of all the things I forgot to do that day. All the ways I let my kids and my family down.
I stopped that loop in its tracks. I take literally less than 5 minutes every night to do a conscious stream of thoughts of all the ways I nailed motherhood that day. I think of the little moments. “I got my kids dressed and drove them to school.” “I cooked dinner for my kids”. “I did laundry so my kids would have clean clothes”. After each statement I write “I am a good mom”.
I have found that in doing this practice I start to reverse the mental loop. I now start to focus more on the little things I do for everyone that makes me a good mom despite my busy schedule. In turn, this has actually made me a BETTER mom. When you focus on all the ways you let everyone down you tend to be angrier, snap quicker, yell more. When you focus on all the ways you provided for your family you tend to be more patient, more present and overall happier.
This has been a game changer for me.
Step Two: Boundaries
Another key to battling mom guilt is to set boundaries. You don’t have to sign up for every activity to keep your kids on track with other kids. Your family is different, your kids are different, your days are different.
Leave work at work and leave home at home. If you give your all in each place you can get more done and be more present without the guilt of the other weighing you down.
Step 3: Forgiveness
And lastly, lots and lots of grace. Would you tell your mom friend they were a terrible mom because they forgot to bring sheets to daycare for the second week in a row?
NO! Of course not. You would reassure them they are doing the best they can and there’s a lot to remember and the long weekend through them off. Maybe you’d even send them a reminder text at 7pm so they put the sheets in the car.
If you wouldn’t tell your friend that the only way she’s a good mom is to bake all her food from scratch, never yell, and raise perfect quiet angel children then why do we expect that of ourselves?
Kids tend to remember the overall feeling of their childhood more than the individual moments. So what if you lost your temper one night. If your overall home is filled with happiness, laughter and love, that is what your kids will remember most.
When guilt comes knocking acknowledge it, then combat it. Pick up a notebook or just mentally write yourself a list of all the things you did RIGHT today. I’ll bet your “I’m a good mom” list is WAY longer than your “bad mom” list!
